Woody

Try not to put yourself in a situation where you get caught up drinking coffee with Woody Allen. Not only is it likely that by the end of the nightmare you'll want to kill yourself, the hell of it all is you will kill yourself unless you have an iron will.

The man cannot be spoken to for more than 5 continuous minutes, it is just that simple. Even a nice hot cup of black coffee doesn't help, which is an indicator in itself of his psychosis given the fact that black coffee can usually get you through anything.

So next time you are in Beaner's Coffee and you see Woody Allen, avoid him at all costs. If the need be, get your coffee to go and leave immediately. Otherwise you will get caught in the shit storm that is Woody.

Do Not Exit

If you have ever been to a coffee shop, you'll understand what I am about to tell you.

It happens like this: you are sitting there, reading a newspaper and having a nice hot cup of black coffee. Perhaps, if you are lucky, you are also smoking a nice pal mal. When all of a sudden some whackjob comes over and asks if you if you could move because the smoke from your cigarette is bothering them. What a terribly maddening situation this is.

Well my advice is to move. It doesn't accomplish anything to argue with the poor gentleman or woman. If they have some preconceived notion that they are being harmed by your wonderfully pleasant cig, nothing you say will change their mind.

So move, but do not, and I cannot stress this enough, do not exit. If you exit at that point in time you are most likely giving up what is a perfectly good cup of coffee. Most likely black coffee at that. So just move on and continue your relaxing endeavours at a different table. If there is not one available, then stand up for awhile, it can't hurt. Someone will move along shortly and you can get back to being comfortable.

In the end, the coffee and the pal mal are what is important and no pretentious non-smoker can ruin that if you don't let them.

Good Time Rotary Boy

Cell phones are bad for you. Coffee is extremely good for you. So next time you want to have a conversation, have it over a nice hot cup of black coffee not a cell phone.

And for bloody hell's sake get a rotary telephone, not a cell phone. Don't treat your brain like a radio wave tower, it doesn't like that.

Cell phones may seem like they are convenient now, but when you are lying in a hospital bed with a tumor the size of a golf ball in your head, you'll wish you had listened to me and just stuck with the coffee.

I Break for Coffee

I don't work, but if I did I would demand two smoke breaks and three coffee breaks. It seems to me that these two issues alone would drive people to unionize. In fact, if I had the ability I would start the International Brotherhood of Coffee and Cigarette Break Demanders Union (or IBCCBDU for short).

It's not only a human rights issue, it is a health issue. It is near impossible to get through a day without a couple pal mals and a few hot cups of black coffee. Those that manage to do it must have some sort of genetic imprint that allows them some freakish immunity to falling ill.

So next time you are at your job, if you have one, demand two cigarette breaks and three coffee breaks. It will help you and your employer by increasing happiness in the workplace. Just make sure you break with pal mals and your coffee is black.

Someone Once Said That

It's always funny to me when someone says they are bored.

Oh The Humanity

Why do we rely on fellow human beings to do what we ourselves should be doing and could actually likely do better? Why do we hold some others up to be demi-gods when in fact they put their kilts on one leg at a time just like the rest of us?

If you are human, you are by definition fallible. Only God is infallible. So do not rely on other humans to perfect your life, when these others are by definition imperfect themselves.

Following a "humanistic" worldview will only serve to narrow the possibilities for existence. By not allowing yourself to expand beyond the limited scope of human knowledge, you are cutting yourself off from a vast expanse of knowledge that is out there. People must get beyond the limitation of human thought and avoid falling into the trap of relying on other humans to solve all of our problems.

It's a Habit

I took a walk to the the coffee shop right around the corner from my flat, and here is this big guy selling cigs. Specifically, he's selling pal mals which are obviously my favourite. So I bought a couple and enjoyed a nice smooth puff with the fine gentleman.

Then I went into the coffee joint, ordered me a nice hot cup of black coffee and wrote a bit of nonsense on a napkin. Actually it turned out to be rather important when I got done with it: a nice new schematic for the telechromatic fission clock I'm working on.

It just goes to show that old habits die hard and that's a good thing, because habits can lead to breakthroughs.

Best Laid Plans...

Sometimes you head out to do something, and things go wrong and the thing you wanted to do goes undid. That is a bit of a jigger. But, there are ways to overcome this terrible situation.

My advice is to do something else. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Well it is, but many folks will just give up and declare the day lost. No day is ever lost, as long as there is a hot cup of black coffee and a nice, smooth pal mal waiting for you at the end of it. So when things go arye, think quickly and move on to another adventure, you will be better off in the end.

The Life Code

A nice hot cup of black coffee, a smooth pal mal, and a lady by your side. It doesn't get any better.

The Fine was Levied

It wasn't as if I had expected to get myself into that position, but I did and now I must pay the fine. Had I simply went a few hundred feet to the right or left, it would have been a completely different story.

However, at this point in time I don't think I am going to pay the fine. It is a rather ridiculous fine when you think about the situation from which it arose.

Does this mean I am scofflaw? Am I a felon, or an outlaw? Perhaps even a revolutionary?

I don't know, but I know that they don't have very good coffee in prison.

Dreary Days

Overcast, chilly, and overall just a dreary day. There is one cure for a predicament such as this: a nice hot cup of black coffee and a pal mal. Out on the porch with the pal mal, I can look out and dream of a world that is not, but should be. Inside with my coffee I can work on bringing about that world. It's a nice feeling to have, when it is so cold on the other side of the sliding glass door.