Irony

Isn't it funny how things work out sometimes? Today I was sitting in my nice lounge chair by the window, looking out over the sea, and a knock came to my door. Well, living in a flat has its advantages and one is that I did not have to go far to get to the door.

I opened the door and it was none other than the delivery man, with my new set of coffee mugs I had ordered late one night from the commercial on the idiot box (t.v. for those less initiated than myself to the painfully crappy nature of it).

I had just been thinking about those mugs when I had been sitting by the window, wondering when they would arrive. I was in the middle of a really good and hot cup of coffee. You never know when things like that might happen.

It's For the Birds

I don't like sleeping, and with any luck I'll soon be able to apply telechromatics and do away with it altogether. Sleeping is probably the single greatest waste of time in human history. Think how much more advanced we would be if we didn't have to sleep!

Certainly my 12-14 cups of coffee a day and a few packs of pal mals helps me to stay awake as long as possible, but at about 2 or 3 am I pretty much pass out. Sure, I'm up again at around 5:30-6 but that is 2 or 3 hours wasted sleeping when I could be working on telechromatics or even drinking some coffee.

It really is quite ridiculous, but I'm working on it.

The Man

There was a man outside my window last night. Now, I'm not an advocate of "peeping" per se, but this chap was really committing no harm. So I invited him in for a cup of coffee.

We had a good chat about telechromatics, even though he knew little about it. I gave him a good rundown and I think he thouroughly enjoyed it. He told me why he had taken to "peeping" and given the fact that I couldn't rightly disagree with him, I held no grudge. In fact, I told him that his reasons for doing it were so sublime that I was quite sure he could give it up and continue to live a good life. He agreed and shook my hand.

There really is no situation where a good hot cup of black coffee doesn't help.

The Coffee Economy

The best way to free yourself from the incesent drumbeat of negative news on the economy is to drink some nice hot black coffee. Not only will you be helping the economy, you'll be helping yourself. It's therapeutic and certainly mentally pleasing.

If you're extremely depressed, throw in a pack or two of pal mals. I try to smoke at least 3 per cup of coffee. If you drink 12-14 cups of coffee a day, as I do, then you'll want to keep a few packs handy.

The economy will get better, no doubt about it.

Woody

Try not to put yourself in a situation where you get caught up drinking coffee with Woody Allen. Not only is it likely that by the end of the nightmare you'll want to kill yourself, the hell of it all is you will kill yourself unless you have an iron will.

The man cannot be spoken to for more than 5 continuous minutes, it is just that simple. Even a nice hot cup of black coffee doesn't help, which is an indicator in itself of his psychosis given the fact that black coffee can usually get you through anything.

So next time you are in Beaner's Coffee and you see Woody Allen, avoid him at all costs. If the need be, get your coffee to go and leave immediately. Otherwise you will get caught in the shit storm that is Woody.

Do Not Exit

If you have ever been to a coffee shop, you'll understand what I am about to tell you.

It happens like this: you are sitting there, reading a newspaper and having a nice hot cup of black coffee. Perhaps, if you are lucky, you are also smoking a nice pal mal. When all of a sudden some whackjob comes over and asks if you if you could move because the smoke from your cigarette is bothering them. What a terribly maddening situation this is.

Well my advice is to move. It doesn't accomplish anything to argue with the poor gentleman or woman. If they have some preconceived notion that they are being harmed by your wonderfully pleasant cig, nothing you say will change their mind.

So move, but do not, and I cannot stress this enough, do not exit. If you exit at that point in time you are most likely giving up what is a perfectly good cup of coffee. Most likely black coffee at that. So just move on and continue your relaxing endeavours at a different table. If there is not one available, then stand up for awhile, it can't hurt. Someone will move along shortly and you can get back to being comfortable.

In the end, the coffee and the pal mal are what is important and no pretentious non-smoker can ruin that if you don't let them.

Good Time Rotary Boy

Cell phones are bad for you. Coffee is extremely good for you. So next time you want to have a conversation, have it over a nice hot cup of black coffee not a cell phone.

And for bloody hell's sake get a rotary telephone, not a cell phone. Don't treat your brain like a radio wave tower, it doesn't like that.

Cell phones may seem like they are convenient now, but when you are lying in a hospital bed with a tumor the size of a golf ball in your head, you'll wish you had listened to me and just stuck with the coffee.